A plea for grief

Me with my Granny Adeline, who was like a mother to me

The systems we live in don’t respect the magnitude of grief on our bodies, minds and hearts. The cost of this is illness.

The going rate for the loss of an immediate family member is 3-5 days paid leave. 

Someone who has lost their wife/husband or child is expected back to work within a week. 

My friends who have lost parents who took 2 weeks off wish they had taken longer and advised me to take a month off when my Granny passed. 

I went to study death in Bali because the thought of losing people I love, filled me with unimaginable dread. I couldn’t imagine accepting or processing such a loss.

Death was never talked about in my family and I wasn’t taught about it throughout my education like most people. Anything I had learned was through my friend’s experiences with death. 

I witnessed how it devastates and transforms a person. 

My best friend lost her sister to cancer and another best friend lost his two brothers to suicide 6 months a part. I knew it would of course come to my door one day.

I studied death in 2019 then 2 years later, in 2021, I lost my granny who was like a mother to me, followed by my Da and then my Granda, all within 18 months.  

What I learned in Bali that really helped me and I hope this can help you too. 

1.    Prepare for the loss

In the training we wrote letters to the ones we feared losing the most. We wrote the letters as they were dying and detailing everything, we wanted them to know before they left. 

This is an extremely powerful practise.

Why would you do that to yourself?

A lot of people have replied with this question when I tell this story. Because it will happen, where one of you leaves. We should prepare for the biggest moments of our lives, birth and death.

This practise really connects you to the magnitude of the connection you both share, the fragility of life and drives action.

Action to love and be as present as you can every moment together. 

These practises taught me to move slower in the presence of my grandparents. I tried to be as present as possible. I put my phone away and kept it on silent. My time with them became like a mindfulness meditation practise. I was not perfect but I did my best, my best to absorb their stories, their mannerisms, took loads videos of my Granda, he loved the attention, but very little of my Granny as she did not enjoy the camera. She would not have spoken so freely had she been recorded.

2.    Learn the prayers and words that matter to them.

In the training we were told to find out what the people we loved favourite prayers were: songs, poems, quotes. What words brought them comfort. 

I asked my granny her favourite prayer as she was a holy person. 

She told me of prayer she said every day since my mummy was interned at 17 and she said she has said it every day since. The prayer is Little Teresa, about asking for help, but knowing if it doesn’t come the medicine is in the suffering. I whispered this prayer into her ear before she passed and it was shared at her funeral.

If the person isn’t holy, it could be their favourite poem to hear, fav song or quote. It can really bring them a lot of comfort in distressing moments. 

3.    Record their stories, take more photographs. 

You won’t remember all the stories, make sure you write them down.

Talk to their friends and family and record everything you can.

Write down all your favourite details about them and memories you share.

I am sharing this with you all on my Granny Adeline’s second anniversary.

People have shared with me how the pain is still the same 18 years later after their loved ones have passed. I find comfort in this. It means to me the love is still as strong, the connection as deep.

“Grief is eternal because so is love” – Tara Brach.

I hope you resist the conditioning in our culture to “just get on with it.”

Research suggests unprocessed grief is strongly linked to disease in lungs. 

Often when we are experiencing grief we can get sick connected to breathing and the lungs- bronchitis, coughs, pneumonia. 

It doesn’t mean we are doing anything wrong or bad at processing, but Grief leaves its marks on body, mind and heart.