Life is so busy when does it stop?

This is one of the most common struggles I hear from the women I work with.

My answer:

You have to take responsibility for your part in why you have created a life that leaves you so exhausted and get curious as what need that fills in you, that you continue to do so. 

When you live in a capitalist, patriarchal society, life will always seduce you into busyness and not knowing your limits, but we can do the work to be more conscious about it which gives us choice. The less conscious we are and the more trauma we hold we are less able to see choice, the more attached we are to the familiar..

What does your busyness serve for you in terms of the sense of self?

We can tend to blame the externals: “they needed me”... “I had to”...

We fall into the trap of believing we are so busy due to external demands.

But everything we do in life has an internal motivation, our actions serve ourselves.

You would not make your life so busy if it didn't serve something for you.

When you don't truly believe you are wanted / important / of value etc. 

Busyness can provide a false sense of validation for the things you deeply want to believe about yourself - which you don't really believe about yourself at all.

Because of a core belief that originated in childhood of being unwanted/ not important/ not of value.

You can have idle days and weeks, and you are still so wanted, so important, so of value. 

Yet for so many of us, when we rest, it can bring to surface how you truly feel about yourself.

Being busy through my 20s definitely fed my ego. I was insecure, had low self esteem and self worth yet, I would have argued to the death that I was confident etc and I just LOVED being busy. 

But my actions were certainly saying otherwise. Someone who is secure, with high self worth knows their boundaries and limits; they’re not constantly running 90mph, collapsing and then repeating.

The rise of feminism in the patriarchy: in an environment that has not changed to allow for the rise of the feminine, has women doing everything and women’s health suffering - 

a rise of gynae issues, fertility, anxiety, and addiction.

You cannot do everything and I know you would love to.

But you cannot. I am very sad about this too, chick a licken.

You have to learn your limits, which are always changing.

I know you hate to know you have limits. Snap. 

What strikes me the most, in my experience, is I don't have men coming to me feeling stressed about the busyness of life. They seem to be better at not over scheduling themselves and not trying to be everything to everyone (understandably so in a patriarchy). Their self worth doesn't seem to be wrapped up in running themselves ragged trying to serve everyone but themselves.

It just wouldn't be the privileged white male way. 

So if you are someone who is feminist, then it really begins with you resting, and not being busy. 

Life can be full. Yes. Busy. Boke. 

If you can't regularly make space to have a degree of routine for your self care which you are so desperately craving, then something needs to change.

Questions need to be asked: why don't you prioritise your needs?

What core belief do you hold about yourself that drives this neglect?

It will most likely stem from childhood and hold intergenerational trauma.

For me it was low self worth, sexual trauma, no connection with my biological parents-

Which are big obvious traumas as to why I made my life so unbelievably busy…

I was so driven to feel worthy by saying yes to everything, to achieving constantly, to show I am worthy of existing. 

It's difficult for those who don't have big obvious traumas to identify those core wounds, but the traumas are still there. They are harder to identify because a lot of people feel guilty for having trauma when compared to others, their upbringing was relatively privileged. People who have such a deep connection and love for their parents, that they feel guilty about / reluctant to identify and recognise those moments where their childhood needs were not met. We need to remember “there is no hierarchy of pain” - Tara Brach. All traumas, big or small, have an impact on a person’s body and mind.

Holding your parents in perfect esteem will be detrimental to yourself,

to your work, to your relationship with self, and intimate ones.

How you treat one is how you treat all.

Your parents might've been loving and caring and amazing parents overall, but at their core, they are flawed humans like the rest of us - hence some aspects of your "perfect" childhood might not have really been so perfect after all.

I hope this helps those of you who are in the pattern of burnout to 

Understand yourself a bit better and to make the changes you need to.

Otherwise you are just rushing your life away. 

Sending you so much love and hugs.

Carla x

Ps if you need help identifying your untrue core beliefs that fuel you not prioritising yourself, I offer 1:1 online to support you in your healing. Everything begins in childhood.